Haibun: Getting Out
Intent on the task or responsibilities, I’m tired sooner than I thought I’d be. The winds of age seem to have blown my energy away like a paper that got away from me in a parking lot. Yet when I am out on a trail, walking away from my stress and tasks and all that, I don’t feel so exhausted. I wonder sometimes if it is all age or not?
What gets my attention is a choice. I find myself making choices that pull me further away from what I want and more and more into what has to be done. And there is no end to it because I’m in a permanent state of thinking I should do more in more directions.
So the thought of stepping out to explore makes me anxious. I want to step out and find new things, but when? How? And at what cost to those things that needs to be done? Finding energy after finding the time is almost impossible. Sitting in this world of responsibilities seems like the walls fell in on me and I can’t get up. I just don’t have the energy.
But when I get out on a trail or head up the river is when my batteries start to charge up again because my mind starts to get into that which is around me. And as I process my extra energy, it makes me wonder if so much of the energy being drained is the pressure and stress I put on myself through my expectations? Am I exasperating my age with the pressures of ambition and and expecting myself to go in too many directions?
I feel alive out and doing and exploring, I know that, but all this other stuff needs to get done and I feel tired thinking about it. Yet if I go, I know it will all work out because it does each time.
by coming in brusk, unpins
summer monsoon winds
